My last post last week was about my concerns over Master Michael’s first assignment for me. While I wrote out my wants, needs, desires, baring myself to him, other emotions than hurt filled me. They all came back to one thing.
Vulnerable.
It has been a few years since I had that feeling. I didn’t like it any better now than I did then. By the time, I neared the end of the assignment, I had four pages of thoughts. I sent him three paragraphs.
Why?
I told him how I felt and what I needed from him for him to ease me into tolerating more pain, if at all possible. The rest were items I decided we would discuss when we saw one another.
Today, doubts crowd in.
Which is no doubt the reason for the dream I had this morning.
Early in the dream, fleeting images and conversation echoed in my head. Master Michael and I were together with my family. An image of me naked, rushing down, from the bedroom we shared, the hall flashed in my head. Master Michael disappeared only to reappear outside. It was daylight and sunny. He and my dad sat in chairs, talking, and watching the grill cook our meal. My older sister and I were in the kitchen setting food and condiments on the table.
She quizzed me about Master Michael. Asking if I was sure he was what I wanted and needed. I recall looking out the front window toward him at her question, knowing he was.
Once more he disappeared, and I searched my childhood home for him.
The dream morphed into my first boyfriend returning as an adult, telling me we were getting back together. I shook my head, telling him no, but he ignored me, going outside and sitting in the chair beside my father where Master Michael had once sat.
Time moved on in the dream. I felt my old boyfriend’s presence, knew he still sat with my dad, but couldn’t see anything. Suddenly, I glimpsed Master Michael opening the front door. He wore a blue crown and a cloak of the same color. I touched his arm.
He turned.
“I’ve been searching for you,” I whispered. I stared at his clothing, feeling as if what he had on was of utmost importance, but the meaning out of reach.
“I’m leaving.”
“What? Why?”
“I only came today to tell you we were through.”
Once more I peered into his face, searching for any hint of feelings, emotions for me. His tone was hollow, yet his eyes held a promise. Holding his gaze, I moved into him. My breasts brushed his chest, my nipples tightened. My hands slid up his arms, and I curled my fingers around his biceps. I snuggled against him.
Tilting my head upward, I said, “Choose me.” I lifted onto my toes and brushed my lips over his.
At first, he didn’t move, didn’t respond except to continue staring at me with that unfathomable look in his eyes.
I kissed him again, two or three times until I felt the slightest change. Did he shudder? Was that a hint of letting go of the control he kept over himself. His strong hands slid up my back, skin on skin.
I no longer cared I was naked. I was where I wanted to be. I just needed to know I was who he wanted. “Choose me.”
The tension in my shoulders eased. His pupils flared, the promise in his eyes deepened, turned dark. “Please,” I continued, adding more emphasis on my next and last plea. “Choose me.”
His mouth covered mine, taking over. Demanding I give him what he desired, forcing his tongue inside, ensuring every part of me was open to him.
The last thing I saw in Master Michael’s eyes before the dream faded was a promise of pain.
I was still more than half asleep when Master Tyrone’s ringtone pulled me from sleep. Oh the irony.
I wondered if he’d called, planning to give me an instruction to put in a toy today. That wasn’t the case. For once, I was glad.
The dream hasn’t left me all day. I know the meaning. Master Michael let me know he received the email, but that’s all.
Some might not believe this is submission, but it is one of it’s most basic forms. And most difficult.
Be patient, wait, and trust my Master.
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